The Great 'Swaparoo'
by thepotterheadfrommiddleearth
Summary: Gandalf and Dumbledore are sick and tired of their jobs. But what happens when they try each other's? DISCLAIMER: Unfortunately, I don't own Gandalf, or Dumbledore, or anything within the world of Harry Potter, or anything in the world of the Hobbit. Shame, I know, but true.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm sick and tired of these blasted dwarves." Gandalf muttered as he sipped his latte.

"I feel you bro." Dumbledore graciously accepted his long black from the waitress, along with his cupcake. "I mean, we don't get dwarves at Hogwarts, but there are plenty of small, irritating first-years that are getting on my nerves."

"Tell me about it!" Gandalf exclaimed. "These dwarves have no manners. They really are a merry bunch, but they are all so stubborn."

"You think that's bad!" Dumbledore cried, accidentally knocking over the pot plant behind him. All of the simple minded cafe-goers turned around and stared. Dumbledore apologised before continuing. "There are hundreds of Hogwarts students. You've only got to deal with 13 tiny little dwarves!"

"Are you saying you can do my job better than me?" Gandalf got that glint in his eye. That I-bet-you-can't glint.

"Maybe I am." Dumbledore grinned with his signature of-course-I-am-fool grin.

"Let's swap then. I do your job. You do mine. Whoever lasts longest wins." Gandalf leant back in his chair.

"Deal. What are the stakes?" Dumbledore swigged his coffee.

"Whoever loses dies their beard pink."

"DEAL!"

"We start tomorrow then"

The two wizards shook on it, then proceeded to discuss more _important _matters.

"So, how has that knitting been going Albus?"

"Albus! Wake up! Albus!" McGonagall's cries awoke Gandalf from his slumber. It was day 1 of what would soon be known as the great Swaparoo.

"What- what is it?"

"Peeves is wrecking my office. He is pouring spoilt milk all over my toucans!"

Gandalf nodded slowly. He was absolutely confused.

"Well, um, tell this Peevy guy to stop."

"Oh Albus, don't be daft. We've tried asking him to stop. He doesn't listen."

"Then why are you coming to me for?"

"Well, we though maybe you could talk some sense into him." McGonagall raised her eyebrows.

"Well, well- you see, I-" Gandalf stopped. He couldn't dye his beard pink! He needed to persevere. "Show me to him."

Dumbledore could not, for the life of him, understand the hairy little man in front of him.

"Pardon? Could you repeat that one more time, please?"

"For the love of Durin, can you not listen, Gandalf? Our passage through the mountains has been cut off by Orcs. We must turn another way. It'll be harder, but it's what needs to be done."

"But I still don't understand. Why can't we just go up and ask the orcs to move?"

"Are you not right in the head, Gandalf? These Orcs have sworn to wipe out the line of Durin!" Thorin was enraged.

"What's that?"

"'Tis me! 'Tis me and my nephews!" Thorin motioned to Fili and Kili.

"Why would those Orc-things want to wipe out such charismatic dwarves?"

"Because, you numbskull, I chopped off his hand!"

"Now why on earth did you do that?"

"Because he killed my grandfather and drove my father to insanity!"

"Why can't you godforsaken dwarves just be friends! You are such disagreeable folk!"

"Are you implying we are disagreeable?" Thorin roared as he whipped his sword from his sheath, threatening the elderly wizard.

Then he snapped. Dumbledore _snapped. _

"_Protego!" _An invisible barrier leapt up between the men. Thorin looked dumbstruck.

"Gandalf... what on earth did-" Thorin started to say, but then he stopped with Dumbledore's menacing glance.

"You are a man of many surprises, Gandalf the Grey."


	2. Chapter 2

"Sir Peeves. Peeves, my old chap." Gandalf called into the seemingly empty classroom. No one responded. Well, at least until someone threw an inkwell at his face, covered him in feathers and called him a idle-headed moldwarp (Shakespearean insult BTW).

"Now young Peeves, whatever was that for?" Gandalf cried, but Peeves ignored him and put a llama sticker on his nose.

"Sir, will you stop?" Gandalf was getting a little bit annoyed. Ok, a _lot _annoyed.

Peeves stuck his tongue out and did a rain dance before setting a textbook alight. He seemed to be enjoying how unresponsive this Dumbledore was. Usually, Dumbledore would've raised his eyebrows and pranked Peeves back, just to stop him. But this Dumbledore just yelled at him.

Gandalf, on the other hand, wasn't having fun at all. How dare this insolent fool mock him!

Peeves tested the boundaries one more time. He took out some Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder and threw it at Gandalf's face. It knocked him over.

When Madam Pomfrey arrived on the scene, Peeves had already trashed the whole corridor, and Dumbledore just lay there looking like he had been hit by a cannonball. As they carried him away on a stretcher, he muttered something about 'having the manners of an angry dwarf'. Madam Pomfrey rolled her eyes. _Peeves._

The _real _Dumbledore, however, was actually having fun. It was almost dinner, and the dwarves were in a jolly good mood whilst they swigged their ales, waiting for dinner. He was just in the midst of enjoying a 'Boast-off' between Bofur and Bifur.

"And then, right before me eyes, the dragon _swooped_-" As Bifur said swooped, he brought his arm diagonally forward to the ground with such force that he was knocked off his feet. The ale appeared to be at work. This sudden... _misfortune _was followed by a massive cheer from the rest of the dwarves. Everyone seemed to be having a blast- well, everyone except Ori- the youngest dwarf- he was doubled over with a splitting headache. Looks like ale doesn't go down well with everyone.

Finally, a smile was brought to the young dwarf's face as the dinner was brought into the room. A rousing chorus followed. Balin set the first few plates down gently. Dumbledore reached for a sausage, but then was appalled at how greedily the dwarves snatched the contents of the plates up. Another round of food was thudded onto the table, and again that was sucked up before Dumbledore could reach for a piece of cheese. He was on the verge of going into the kitchen for some food when someone tapped on his shoulder.

"Mr Gandalf, sir?"

Dumbledore turned around to see two dwarves beaming up at him. One had messy blonde hair; the other had tousled dark brown hair.

"Fili and Kili." The dwarves chimed in unison. "At your service."

"Why thank you, good sirs, I-" but then Dumbledore faltered. Why on earth would these dwarves introduce themselves to him _now? _Surely they had already been acquainted with Gandalf?

"Can I help you two?"

"May we speak to you for a minute sir? Alone?"

How could he refuse such kind manners from a dwarf? He glanced sideways at the barbaric bunch behind him, who were playing tug-o-war with a vine of tomatoes.

"Gladly."


	3. Chapter 3

When Gandalf awoke, Professor McGonagall was standing over him with an expression of utmost concern.

"Albus? Where is your wand?"

"My... wand?"

"Yes! We couldn't find it! All we could find was this!" McGonagall lifted Gandalf's staff into the air so he could see from his bed in the hospital wing.

"Be careful with that!" Gandalf reached out and took his staff from her hands.

"Albus- what is this contraption? Some sort of trident? A staff, perhaps?" Gandalf looked into McGonagall's eyes. They were wary, alert.

"It's... a relic... of my... great, great... great great great grandfather's." Gandalf tore his gaze away from hers. He didn't want her to look at him for too long. Wow, did she have a sharp gaze. He felt like he was being cross-examined. But he had to go on. He didn't want a pink beard.

"Oh. Well, in that case, Madam Pomfrey says you're free to go." McGonagall stood aside, letting him pass. He strode hurriedly out of the hospital wing before he realised he didn't have a clue where he was. He needed a student's help... ah! An eligible candidate was strolling past.

"Sir! Sorry to bother you, but, um, I appear to have knocked my head a little, and, um, I can't remember where I am right now. Could you help me back to my office?"

The boy grinned. His flaming red hair was giving Gandalf a headache.

"So... you don't remember my name?" The boy asked.

"No, no I don't."

"Perfect!" He took Gandalf's arm, and led him down the corridor. Hmm. Maybe Gandalf should have chosen a different tour guide.

"Hello?" Dumbledore strode into the room. He was sure the two dwarves had just walked in here. Before he could rethink this, however, he felt two small people drop onto his back, knocking him onto the floor. It was if they had fallen from the ceiling!

"What have you done with the real Gandalf?" One asked, rather aggressively.

"Real Gandalf... but, I- I am Gandalf!" Dumbledore could feel them stand up, and get off.

"Liar! You're an impostor." One of them said, as they turned him over so he was facing the ceiling. He tried to stand up, but he felt them press down on him so he couldn't move.

"We won't let go until you tell us what you've done with Gandalf!" The blonde one said, rather straightforwardly.

"Well- you two are very observational!" Dumbledore muttered. They two dwarves beamed. Huh. The two dwarves who had just jumped on him and basically interrogated him were now smiling like children who had just been complemented. One of them was blushing, too.

"That doesn't excuse you, though!" The brunette pointed out as they snapped back into their angry state.

"What have you done with our wizard?"

"Look. It was a bet." The blonde one (had he called himself Fili?) rolled his eyes and nudged the other with an I-told-you-so look about him.

"And who are you? Where is our Gandalf?"

So Dumbledore, very reluctantly, told them of the bet.

Before the dwarves could say anything, he hastily added at the end "But don't tell anyone- I don't want to lose."

"So Gandalf is now at Warthog with a bunch of other wizards?" Kili asked.

"Don't forget the witches!" Fili piped in.

"Well... yes."

"Don't worry, mister Dumbledore, sir- your secret's safe with us!"


	4. Chapter 4

"And... where is this, exactly?"

"Your office, sir." the boy smiled. Gandalf nodded slowly.

"Right. Yes. This is all coming back to me now."

"Excellent, sir. Professor, do you need anything?" the boy asked. Hmm- maybe Gandalf was wrong about him. He seemed like a perfectly lovely child.

"A mug of water would be nice, dear boy."

"Water? But sir- surely an esteemed wizard like yourself has a more exotic taste than plain water!" the boy announced. Gandalf seemed a little shocked, but decided to go along with it.

"Right... then... get me anything you'd like, boy. I trust you."

Gandalf could've sworn he saw the red-headed boy raise his eyebrows in disbelief. _I only hope that's not a mistake, _thought Gandalf.

The boy walked off into the left corner, furthest from Gandalf, presumably to fetch a drink. Gandalf relaxed slightly. He let his eyes wander around the room. It was... well, roomy, and very spacious. It wasn't furnished much, which Gandalf thought was odd for an office. He rather wished he could sit down- and just like that, a chair appeared in front of him. Relieved and slightly curious, he sat down.

The walls of this room were all mirrors- and they were playing tricks on Gandalf's eyes. In fact he was getting a headache swiveling his neck around to try and take in the whole room, only to find himself staring at his reflection yet again. He was quite disoriented.

"Sir! You found your way!" The red-headed boy entered from the right corner next to Gandalf, striding confidently into the room.

"What do you mean? You led me here!"

"I'm sorry Professor, but I can't say I did."  
"But you _did! _And just now you went to get me a drink!"

"A drink? Sir, why didn't you ask? I'll go fetch you one!" And with that, the boy left into a door opposite Gandalf. Gandalf was quite confused.

"Here you go sir! Premium firewhisky, courtesy of Madam Rosmerta herself!" Gandalf spun around in surprise. Here was the red headed boy, entering through another door entirely! Maybe taking a sip of this firewhisky would settle his mind.

Gandalf was a wise man, and he was often right, but in this instance, he was more wrong than he had ever been. The firewhisky burned inside him, making him cough and sputter. His eyes watered. He looked up at the devious child who had brought them this. His head was swimming, and the boy's red hair was only making it worse.

"Are you ok, sir?" The boy sounded sincere, but his cheeky smile shone through.

"What... what is this drink?"

"Firewhisky, sir. It's your usual!" The red-headed boy smiled. Gandalf's vision spun.

"Oh- I... I... I need to sit down..."

"Are you... are you ok?" Was... was the young man _smiling_? This was hardly the time for a student to be smiling- maybe Dumbledore was right. This child did seem to be messing with him somehow. No- of course he wasn't. He was _not _going to lose this bet. This young man probably wasn't smiling- Gandalf's vision was just altered. Come to think of it, the spinning had seemed to stop. Ah- that was better.

"Everything better sir?" A voice came from the back of the room, behind Gandalf. It was the same red-headed boy! But wasn't he standing in front of him? Gandalf spun around, and the boy was still there. How was this possible? He wasn't accustomed to this type of magic- what was in this firewhisky? He was seeing double!

"There... there are two of you!"

The boys walked towards him. "No there aren't- is everything ok?"

"Oh dear... I should have just stuck to the Company! The dwarves aren't that bad- and now I'm stuck seeing double! Why, all the Orcs of Mordor would be less confronting than this confounded firewhisky!"

And then, something odd happened. The double-vision-boys turned towards eachother.

"What did you do? You've turned him mad! He's speaking gibberish!" One yelled.

"It's not my fault- you started it!" The other responded, and shoved his double roughly.

"No- you did!"

"Shut up, Fred!" One double ran a hand through his bright red hair. Gandalf's vision was clearing. He could now clearly see that these two young men were not visions- twins, perhaps?

"Look what we've gone and done. How is mum going to react when she hears we've turned Albus Dumbledore mad?"

"Don't worry boys- you haven't." Gandalf stood up straight. "There are two of you, aren't there? Twins, I assume?"

"Yes sir." Both boys looked down at their feet sheepishly. "We're sorry- we didn't expect it to go this far. We thought you'd recognise us!"

"I have a confession, boys- I won't get you in trouble if you swear not to tell anyone." Gandalf sighed- he had to tell someone.

"A secret? To tell us? Well- ok then, sir." The twins exchanged worried glances.

"I'm not really Dumbledore." Gandalf began. "My name is Gandalf the Grey, and I come from Middle Earth."

* * *

"Gandalf! Gandalf! Might I have a word?" Dumbledore pretended that he couldn't hear the kingly-looking dwarf calling his name.

"Gandalf!" The dwarf tugged on his arm. Dumbledore sighed.

"Yes?"

"Might I ask where you're leading us?" Dumbledore froze.

"Where... where I'm leading you?"

"Yes- you do know where you're going, don't you?" Thorin's voice was gripped with concern.

"Of course I do. Do you dare doubt Gandalf the Grey?"

"I apologise." Thorin seemed to appear less doubtful. "So- where are we going?"

Dumbledore looked up. The horizon was jagged with mountains. "Over the mountains."

"Of course we're going over the mountains!" Thorin snapped. "But are we going via Rivendell or not?"

"What would you prefer?" Dumbledore asked compliantly. Apparently, this was a mistake.

"WHAT? YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT YOU HAVEN'T DECIDED ON A ROUTE?"

Dumbledore stuttered in confusion. Thorin glared at him. Luckily, at that moment, Fili stepped in.

"What Gandalf _means _to say is that the route is open to changes in your favour. Where would _you _like to go, Uncle?"

"Where the wizard will take us!" Thorin growled. Dumbledore raised his eyebrows.

"I will take you where I see fit. You should know better than to question Gandalf the Grey, Thorin Oakenshield." Dumbledore said vaquely.

"I apologise, Gandalf, but I don't see why you can't tell me where you are leading us." Thorin said softly, the harsh tone almost gone from his voice.

"If you do not approve of my methods, then perhaps _you _should lead the company."

"Aye. I think that would be wise." Thorin shot an annoyed side glance at Dumbledore, and stalked off in moodiness.

"Nice going." Kili walked over and joined Dumbledore and his brother.

"You don't have to be sarcastic, Kee." Fili said.

"I'm not being sarcastic. That was actually nicely done. Gandalf _is _ridiculously vague most of the time." Kili observed.

"That's... actually a good point." Fili said in surprise. "I.. didn't expect that, Kili. Good job."

Kili looked slightly offended. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Hey now- let's not fight. And yes, I know Gandalf's quite vague- I know him quite well."

"What? How?" Fili said in confusion.

"We... catch up for coffee quite regularly."

"What's coffee?" Kili asked innocently.

"It's... water, boiled with coffee beans. It's quite nice, actually."

"You drink bean water?" Both brothers made gagging faces.

"It's nice!"

"No way."

"Here- I'll show you." Looking over his shoulder to see if anyone was watching, Dumbledore pulled out his wand and, muttering spells under his breath, brewed a cup of coffee in his mug. "Try some."

Fili scowled at Dumbledore, and tentatively put the cup to his lips. "Ouch- it's hot."

"Well... yes." Dumbledore shrugged. "Do you like it?"

"It's so bitter... yeuch." Fili shivered.

"Give me some!" Kili reached over and took the mug from his brother. He took a long sip.

"Disgusting! What do you and Gandalf like about this?"

"It gives you a shot of energy. The feeling is... kind of nice." Dumbledore watched warily as Kili took another big gulp.

"Well, we think it's disgusting, don't we Kee. Kee?" Fili looked over at his brother in shock. Kili had finished the coffee. His pupils widened, and he seemed to be shaking slightly.

"Kee?"

"Good coffee. Coffee is good. We like coffee. More coffee." Kili spoke rapidly and turned to Dumbledore expectantly.

"That's enough caffeine for you, then."

"What've you done to him? He's gone mad!" Fili looked worriedly at Kili, who looked happily back.

"Fili is sad. That's bad. Have some coffee. Fili needs coffee. Coffee is good."

"Coffee's disgusting." Fili said with horror. Kili shot his brother a look of ultimate betrayal.

"Stop arguing you two- Thorin's coming over!" Gandalf elbowed the two of them. Fili immediately turned to face his uncle, and put on a calm facade. Kili spun in a circle to face Thorin, and gave him a hearty handshake.

"Hello. I like you. Uncle, let's run."

"What?" Thorin was shocked to say the least.

"Let's do some running. I'll race you. I bet I'm faster. I like running." Kili said, the words tumbling out of his mouth faster then Thorin could understand.

"Wait- what?"

"I said, let's... run..." Kili stopped abruptly, and slowly, Dumbledore saw the energy seep from his eyes. "Woah... what happened?"

"I have absolutely no idea, and I recommend you go sit down. You seem a bit... off." Thorin ushered his nephew over to a log where he could sit. He then returned to Dumbledore and Fili. "What is wrong with him?"

"I have no idea." Fili said, and then scampered off hurriedly to attend to the horses. Thorin looked skeptically up at Dumbledore, who shrugged apologetically.

Thorin walked away, his frustration at being confused evident.

_Note to self- _Dumbledore thought, _dwarves do not handle caffeine well. _


	5. Chapter 5

"You _what_?" Gandalf asked incredulously.

"I gave them coffee, yes. It was quite funny, actually." Dumbledore laughed.

"All without getting caught?" Gandalf raised an eyebrow.

"It went completely undetected. Poor Kili was under the impression that he'd fallen asleep, and the others just passed it off as another one of his whimsical jokes. And you? How are you coping at Hogwarts?"

Almost a week had gone by, and Dumbledore was beginning to worry about his students coping without him. It wasn't that he didn't trust Gandalf, it was just that he felt odd not having the constant responsibility of people on him.

"All is well at your school, Albus. You needn't fret." Gandalf assured him.

"Have you met any students?"

"Ah, yes- two jovial young lads with bright red-"

"Hair?" Gandalf nodded. "You've encountered the Weasley twins, have you?"

"Infamous, are they?"

"I find them quite amusing." Dumbledore smiled. Hopefully the twins' antics would drive Gandalf into submission.

"Speaking of amusing, have you taken the dwarves to a tavern yet? There are some funny stories that pop up when they're all drunk."

"I don't plan on letting those young men get _intoxicated _under my supervision!" Dumbledore was aghast.

"Some of them are the same age as you, Albus. Besides, they're all enthusiastic drinkers- except the younger ones, of course."

"I still don't think letting them drink so much they reveal embarrassing stories is appropriate!"

"Get your head out of the mindset of a school teacher, Albus, and instead into one of a weary guardian."

Dumbledore sighed. "I suppose you're right. Well, I best be off- I have a nasty feeling that something's gone wrong whilst I've been away."

Gandalf laughed. "Knowing them, something _will _have gone wrong, and you'll be left to clean it up."

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"Are you coming to the Christmas party later on, Albus?" McGonagall stopped Gandalf in the hallway.

"Um- yes. Yes I am."

"Great! Don't forget- we're doing Kris Kringle!" She said and walked off excitedly.

What on earth was Kris Kringle?, Gandalf wondered. He decided he would confront the twins.

It was the last day of term at Hogwarts, and it appeared that the staff were having a party before some people left for holidays. Gandalf began his search as quickly as he could. The crowds of children all receding back to their dormitories made it hard for Gandalf to identify the two troublemakers he was looking for.

Gandalf spun around to face three children that had just bumped into him.

"Sorry, professor!" The young girl with the messy hair apologised.

The boy with the round glasses and peculiar scar nodded in agreement. "Are you alright, sir?"

Even though two of the three children had addressed him, Gandalf's eyes were drawn to the third of the trio- him and his flaming red hair.

"Are you, by any chance, related to Fred and George?"

"Um... maybe? What did they do?"

"Nothing bad, nothing bad. I'd just like to speak to them regarding something... important..."

The boy stared at Gandalf oddly. "Well, I _am _related to them. If you're looking for them, I think they're in the common room."

"Thank you, sir. Merry Christmas!" Gandalf walked away, but not before he heard the boy say,

"I thought Dumbledore knew my name... I know that we're only first years, but I'd still like _someone _to know who I am."

Gandalf felt a pang of guilt, but kept on walking. He needed to find the twins, and _fast. _

"Sir! There you are!"

Gandalf turned around to see the very boys he was looking for.

"Fred! George! I need to speak to you urgently!" Gandalf ushered the twins into an empty classroom. "What is Kris Kringle?"

"Kris... Kris Kringle?" Fred asked.

"It's a tradition we have here on Earth. What happens is you are given someone, and you have to buy a gift for them." George said as Fred nodded.

"Is... is that it?"

"Yeah." George looked at Fred, who shrugged as if to say he didn't think there was anything else to add.

"Great. Who am I buying a gift for?"

"We don't know- you're told when you begin."

"Then- how will I know what to buy?" Gandalf asked worriedly.

"Get something gender-neutral."

"And something that you can find easily."

"Wait- where will I purchase a gift?"

"Hogsmeade?" Fred asked George.

"Too far away, if the party's tonight. You'll never find a gift and get back here- it's already 4 o'clock!"

"Then what am I to do?" Gandalf asked, looking frantically from one twin to the other. There was no way he would lose this bet over a Christmas Party.

"Summon a gift!" George exclaimed.

"I can't do that!"

"We won't tell anyone, Sir- and technically, it's not stealing if-" Fred began, but Gandalf interrupted.

"No, I _can't- _it is not within my powers to summon gifts out of thin air."

"Then we'll do it!" Fred announced. George nodded enthusiastically.

"And we'll have it wrapped for you."

"Thank you boys- thank you _very _much!"

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"It's almost Christmas time!" announced Dumbledore jovially.

"Christmas time?" Kili asked.

"Remember, Kee? The men in the village celebrated it last year." Fili said as he saddled his horse.

"Oh yeah!" Kili smiled. "They looked so funny, in their knitted jumpers and colourful hats. Ridiculous, if you ask me."

Dumbledore was taken aback. "Ridiculous? I happen to enjoy knitting jumpers- though not as much as Molly Weasley, I'll wager!"

"Molly Weasley? Sir, you can't just talk nonsense- you'll get caught!" Kili said in a very loud whisper. Fili punched his brother playfully on the arm.

"If you're going to whisper, do it quietly."

Kili smiled and punched Fili back. Fili reciprocated again, except harder this time. Kili punched again as well. Before Dumbledore could stop them, the brothers were in a full-on punching match.

"Boys- boys! Don't fight!" Dumbledore protested, to no avail. The brothers were fully engaged in their silly fight. He had to do something to break it up- it was _unsightly _for young men to fight in public. "Do you know that back where I come from, we believe in someone called Santa."

No response.

"And we tell our children that if they're bad, Santa won't bring them presents. So if you want a visit from Santa, you-"

"Wait." Fili turned away from his brother and faced Dumbledore. "There's someone called Santa who visits children?"

"Well... yes." Dumbledore said.

Kili looked disgusted. "And that doesn't _concern _you?"

"Oh no no, he gives them _gifts. _But only if they're good."

"How does he know if they're good or not?" Kili had finished saddling his horse, and had now turned to Dumbledore too. Both of the Durin brothers were now fully engaged in his tale.

"He keeps an eye on them."

This time, it was Fili who looked disgusted. "So he's a _stalker_?"

"No- he's a good person!" Dumbledore had no idea why he was defending Santa, but he felt determined to prove the brothers wrong.

"Since when is stalking good?" Kili asked.

"Boys- he's an old man, with a long white beard and a stomach like a bowl full of jelly. How can he be bad?"

"I'll tell you why he's bad- he's a fat old man who stalks children!" Fili said incredulously. Kili agreed quickly.

"Let's go, Fee." Kili mounted his horse, as did his brother. "Fee?"

"...What?" Fili asked hesitantly.

"Is Dumbledore insane?" Kili asked, whispering loud enough for Dumbledore to hear. Dumbledore rolled his eyes, and walked over to his own horse. He had no idea how he would possibly saddle her- so when no one was looking, he cast a quick spell that prepared his horse for riding.

_Santa? A bad person? Ridiculous, _Dumbledore thought. _The whole thing is absolutely ludicrous- thinking Christmas is silly._

And then and there, Dumbledore decided he would bring a little Christmas cheer to the company. He had seen the lad Ori doing some knitting before- perhaps he would give it a shot too.


	6. Chapter 6

Gandalf strode down the corridor to the Great Hall, where the staff Christmas party was being held. He had the gift that the twins had gotten and so graciously wrapped for him tucked under his arm. It felt fairly heavy, which was good, right? But he trusted the boys- he had no other choice.

"Ah! Albus! You made it!" A small man greeted him. Gandalf had to do a double take- the man looked almost like a clean-shaven dwarf!

"Yes, yes I did!" Gandalf laughed, chuckling as he had heard Albus do.

"And who is this gift for?" The small man asked, holding out his hands for the present.

"Uh... it's a surprise!" Gandalf said, smiling guiltily. The man looked confused, and was about to pursue the issue further when-

"Albus! You made it!" Madame Pomfrey appeared out of the blue, wearing a shimmery red cape with fluffy white trimming. "How are you feeling? Better?"  
"Ah- yes! I'm great! Thanks!" Gandalf grinned, and shuffled away from the befuddled little man to speak further with the witch.

"I must say, I was quite worried. You weren't yourself at all when I found you, and I was concerned about what you were saying."

"Oh- uh, what was I saying?"

"Oh, I don't know- something about dwarves and manners and... hob-feets? Hobbings?"

"I don't quite know what you're talking about!" Gandalf laughed, trying not to show how flustered he was.

"Come now, what was it? Hob.. hobbits?"

"Well, I didn't say anything of the sort, but if I _did, _it wouldn't have been hobbits. I'm certain."

Madame Pomfrey shrugged, and wandered away to greet someone else. Gandalf stood where he was, breathing slowly and pretending to wave at people he thought Albus would know.

_Don't be a fool, _he thought to himself, _Albus knows everyone here. He's the headmaster. And I'd wager he likes everyone, too._

And so Gandalf adopted that spirit, jovially walking around, waving and smiling and shaking hands. He approached a gathering of staff who welcomed him heartily. Among them was the woman who had spoken to him once or twice- Professor McGonagall.

"Evening, Professors!" He said, patting the man next to him on the back. The greasy-haired, hook-nosed man glared back at him, edging away from the all-too-eager Gandalf.

"Albus! You made it on time! I thought you'd show up late again!" A round little woman chuckled, her cheeks rosy red.

"Aha! Well, you know... a wizard is never late, nor is he ever early. He arrives precisely when he means to."

"Well, that may be so, but to witches, a wizard is always late!" The little lady laughed, to uproar from the other staff. Clearly, they had had a bit too much to drink. Perhaps it was that firewhisky stuff the dastardly twins had given him.

The evening passed in a blur of smalltalk and awkward escapes. Gandalf had to keep making up excuses so as not to keep conversation for too long, or else someone would figure out that he wasn't _really _Albus.

Finally, it was time to gather around the decorative shrub and pass out the secretly assigned objects. Gandalf still didn't know who his gift was for, but he knew they'd figure it out eventually.

Professor McGonagall got a ball of yarn ("Hilarious, Filius,") and a cosy looking tartan hat. Gandalf himself received a large tub of colourful beans, and some edible amphibians. He took a bite into one of the beans, and had to suppress a grimace, as it tasted like dirt! _These wizarding folk are quite peculiar, _Gandalf thought, but he laughed along with them merrily.

After all the merriment, there was only one gift left, and one person who had not been given a gift.

"Severus! I imagine this present is for you!" Professor McGonagall said, picking up Gandalf's gift.

"I suppose," said the sallow-skinned man, taking the gift with an arched eyebrow. Gandalf smiled, and winked at the small man who seemed to recognise the gift.

The man, Severus, was taking his time opening his present, as if unwrapping it fast would seem... too _excited_. As he was the last to unwrap a gift, all eyes were on him as the final pieces of wrapping paper peeled away and-

And a foul smelling concoction exploded, directly in Severus' direction.

* * *

"Ta da!"

"Sir, I don't mean to be rude, but what in Durin's name have you done?"

Dumbledore stood, his arms outstretched, in front of a freshly-chopped pine tree, decorated with garlands of yarn and chips of wood. There were neatly wrapped presents underneath- one for each of the dwarves.

"What have _I_ done? I've done nothing. _Santa Claus, _however, has visited and left us a surprise!"

"Santa Claus? The stalker man? He was _here?" _Kili asked, looking around wildly. Fili jumped too, and his hands instinctively went to Kili. Soon enough, the two were huddled, swirling around wildly in an attempt to locate the jolly intruder.

"Boys, no- no, it's... it's just a muggle tradition! He's not a bad person at all! He got you gifts, see!"

"Destroy them!" yelled Fili, but he didn't need to- Kili had already sprung into action, using his dagger to hack at the tree and all that was underneath it.

"No! Stop!" Albus tried to contain them, but they were too much- the two dwarves had already sliced off half of the branches.

Another dwarf- one with a hat- walked in from another room. "What's this?"

"Bofur! We're under attack!" yelled Kili, who was tearing away at the yarn draped across the tree.

"Under attack? Gandalf? What is the meaning of this?" Bofur asked, turning to Dumbledore in shock.

"Oh, I was just... spreading a little Christmas cheer, is all. I believe the men in the village celebrate it, and I thought as we were staying at one of their inns, we may as well join in the festivities."

"Liar! You said the stalker came and left stuff here!" cried Fili as he tore needles off the tree.

"Stalker?" Another dwarf waddled in- Balin, Albus believed. "Who's a stalker?"

"Santa Claus! And he left us these packages!" declared Kili, angrily waving a wrapped present in the air.

More dwarves poured in as Balin yelped in disbelief. "Thorin! Thorin, come quick!"

The King under the Mountain walked in, a scowl on his face. "What is this commotion?"

"We're under attack! A stalker has left us packages- bombs, no doubt!"

"They're not bombs! They're gifts!" Albus cried, to no avail. The dwarves began to shout, getting increasingly louder as they squabbled over the meaning of this treachery. Thorin held up a hand to silence the mob, and walked slowly towards the desolate Christmas tree.

Albus gulped- perhaps it hadn't been the best idea to try and spread holiday cheer.

Thorin picked up the gift marked 'Thorin', and shook it tentatively. When that proved anticlimactic, he peeled away the paper to reveal his gift- a shining dagger with a diamond-encrusted hilt.

Dumbledore had thought it a bit flashy when he magicked it up, but he imagined the king would appreciate the effort to add some sparkle to his attire. The look on his face, however, said otherwise.

The dwarf approached Albus, his eyes resting on the sparkling knife.

"Is this some kind of joke, Gandalf?"

"Well, I thought you'd like it," Dumbledore said, feeling rather flustered. "It's a dagger, and it has jewels, and I thought seeing as you're a king and all, you deserved-"

"Do I get a sparkly dagger?" Kili interrupted, eagerly searching for his name under the tree.

"Well, that's the joy of Christmas- you'll just have to find out when you open your present!"

"Got it!" Fili yelled, passing it to his brother and fishing his own out.

Kili tore away the paper to reveal a quiver of black arrows, all designed with minimalist aesthetic and aerodynamics in mind.

"This is perfect!" declared Kili, scurrying away to find his bow.

Fili opened his gift to reveal a sheath, emblazoned with a picture of a mountain. "This is wonderful! Look, uncle- it looks like Erebor!"

"So it does," muttered Thorin, eying Albus suspiciously. Albus smirked back. He hadn't thought of Erebor- he didn't even know what Erebor was- but he had heard Fili at night, telling his brother tales of a mountain, _the _mountain, that one day they would rule over- together. Try as he might, Albus couldn't stop listening to the proud, wistful stories Fili whispered to Kili in the dead of night.

"What's this then?" Ori asked, holding up a sweater Albus had knitted. It was red, with green patterns, and the dwarvish rune for 'O' smack bang in the middle. He was quite proud of that detail.

"It's a sweater. You wear it."

"I know that- but why is it so... bright? Where did you find wool this colourful?"

"Indeed... where did you find this, Gandalf?" Thorin asked, smirking slightly- at last, he had caught Gandalf out. But Albus was unperturbed- "A wizard never reveals his secrets."

Thorin looked skeptical, as if he wanted to ask more questions, but the joyous dwarves were keen to open their presents. Dumbledore had never seen such excitement!

After the gifts came food- a ham, in fact. Bofur had gone to the village the day before, and had bought a sizable leg of pork- though Albus knew it'd be no match for the dwarves.

Once the partying was over, and the food had been eaten, all of the dwarves huddled around so Dumbledore could once again tell them the story of Christmas. He tried to downplay it, so as not to imply he knew _too _much, but once he saw how rapt in the tale the company was, he addressed them with gusto, telling them of Santa and the elves, and of muggle traditions aplenty.

The dwarves were fascinated, and reluctant to go to bed, but Dumbledore's headmasterly nature got the better of him as he insisted they go off to sleep.

They huddled together in the beds, which were far too big for them as they were built for men and could fit four dwarves in each. Albus watched, a hint of a smile on his face as the dwarves excitedly showed off their new apparel and weaponry. All looked merry and content, except for-

Except for Thorin.

Thorin walked over, a stern look on his face.

"Gandalf," he said, his voice low so as to not disturb the others, "may I have a word?"

* * *

**Hi guys!**

**Merry Christmas! **

**I'm so sorry for the delay in uploading- it has been over a year! My apologies to all of you lovely people who are following this tale!**

**Hopefully, I'll take less than a year to upload another chapter!**

**Happy holidays to all, and a happy new year!**

**\- The Potterhead from Middle Earth**


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